Mom’s Advice On Travel

My father is an ideal, if somewhat irresponsible traveler. He will go anywhere, anytime with anyone. He came half way across the world to further his education before returning home, and ended up staying. It took him almost 30 years of travelling elsewhere before he boarded a plane back to his country of birth, where he managed to lose his wallet within an hour of landing.

My mother…well, she doesn’t like to travel very far outside her backyard, unless she spots a bird she can’t quite see from where she’s standing. Getting her on a plane is like trying to get a hysterical cat into a pet carrier. Ancient ruins are piles of rocks, museums are full of dust and foreign food of any kind equals a stomachache.

These two polar opposites will be taking a cruise at the end of the month that begins in Rome. By some weird twist of fate, I and my friend Snix will also be in Rome at the end of the month for vacation. Here are my mother's words of warning:


Mom: Are you packing toilet paper? I found this new travel toilet paper-
HB: What?
Mom: They don’t have toilet paper you know.
HB: In Rome?? It’s not a third world country mother, they have toilet paper.
Mom: Last time we were there they didn’t have any. Your father went into a bathroom and he didn’t like it. He said it was just a hole in the ground.
HB: Did you go in?
Mom: No. After he told me that I just held it.
HB: I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a big hole in the middle of the room for the women to pee in.
Mom: I wasn’t taking that chance.
HB: Besides, you’ve never even been to Rome!
Mom: Wherever we were!
HB: Was it backwoods countryside?
Mom: It was…countryish.
HB: They have toilet paper in Rome.
Mom: They say it's rough over there, but I can deal with that. I just can't deal with not having any at all.
HB: I promise you they have paper!!
Mom: Suit yourself. I’m bringing it.