WTHIWWY - Shutup Van, Letter II

A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?:

Dear guy who chews gum with his mouth open:

It’s great that you are able to enjoy your food with fervor, but here’s the thing. It’s not only uncouth and revealing of a greater character lack of say, hygiene, it’s profoundly irritating to someone who is forced to sit one foot in front of you, especially if she’s had a bad day at work. If your purpose in chewing like a cow in a pasture was to further my obvious frustration with my day, you achieved it. Granted it may have been a fun way to avenge yourself for having listened to me rant to two different people, a) I spoke at a respectful level, even in my enraged state and b) 25 minutes of excruciatingly loud mastication is a cruel way to repay two 5 minute phone calls. Though realistically speaking, I don’t think solely (I don’t care how wrongly) judging by your gorilla dining habits that you are cunning enough to enjoy the fruits of such a dastardly plan.

I imagined many ungodly ways the pen in my hand could be used as a weapon, making every telepathic psychopath jealous for not being as clever. However, my self-restraint, now something of which I can be proud, prevented me from causing your death and forced me to exit the Shutup van 15 blocks early.

So I’d just like to take a moment to remind you that the little tin box in which we ride is not a zoo, despite feeling like we are caged animals. If your behavior doesn’t change I will physically kick you out of the van myself and you will have to send HR a letter requesting an “open-mouthed chewing” van to come pick you up.

Have a pleasant evening,

Hapabukbuk