Updates:

Satan’s restroom’s toilet is still leaking. I came back from a week’s vacation to half a bucket of water under the tank.

I have finally figured out the texting feature on my phone.

I am still addicted to cookies.

Mr. Colbert has not confirmed reception of my application for yes woman.

Mr. Blaine is now not only a loser, he’s a failure too.

Mom still hasn’t owned up to the duck explanation.

I still have not consumed a cinnamon donut.

I learned a new “Your Mother” gem:

"Yo' mama so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the Ws."
-Stephen Colbert