Caught Off Guard

Things I should have prepared myself for before my trip to central Florida, but didn’t:

The child who kicked my chair fifty-seven times before the door to the airplane was even shut. Thankfully he and his family switched rows before we took off, only to be replaced by Spanish speaking tourists who took flash pictures out the window while repeatedly bumping my seat.

The man sitting next to me whose thigh was as big as my torso. He received two offerings of drinks and a bag of pretzels while I received nothing. Maybe the flight attendant couldn’t see me. However, that didn’t stop me from cursing her out internally on the way off the plane.

The Times Square size billboards on the highway quoting God as saying things like, “The real Supreme Court meets up here,” and “The world is a small place. I know, I made it.”

The small, lighted billboards by the entrance to every church (which appeared approximately every fifty yards), similar to the small, lighted billboards by the entrance to every fast food restaurant (which appeared approximately every other fifty yards). Jesus loves me and the burgers are only 99 cents!

Love bug carcass all over the car windshield as a testament of how far we drove.

The conversations that inevitably lead to, “you should meet my son/grandson/nephew/cousin’s sister-in-law’s housepainter. He’s a lawyer/doctor/stock broker/artist.”