Buy This, Sucka'

There is a sucker born every minute. I know this first hand because every so often the SUCKER tattoo I had lasered off of my forehead bleeds through to remind me. “As Seen On TV” and the like of such products are my kryptonite.

Nads? Bogus hair removal kit. Want it.

Space Hogging Water Fountain? Need it.

Quick Chop? Don’t cook. Must have it.

However, I am able to refrain from purchasing such products because I am extremely cheap. Most of the time. For reasons unknown to me, every once in a while I give in to my suckertude. Perhaps it’s the way the wind blows at the moment the useless piece of crap is presented to me.

The latest: A soothing sounds mini radio player offered on the envelope flap of my credit card bill. As a light sleeper I need white noise to block out everything that will potentially wake me up. Perhaps it was the wind and my desperation.

After I ordered it, paid for it, forgot about it and then received it 4 months later, I was excited to hear how these new soothing sounds would rock me gently into a nirvanic slumber. Here were my choices:

Rain– the continuous crackling of a radio


Waves – someone blowing on the recording aparatus near a bubbling fish tank


River – A running bath while a bottle is dunked under the water to fill it


Night– One hundred crickets trapped under a large cup with a faint hint of a barking dog on a loop


Soothing my ass. This tattoo itches.