Stalking 101

My Dearest:

I never know how to start these things…and I suppose you could say I’m a coward for writing a letter rather than speaking face to face, or at the very least a phone call. But here’s the thing, you’ve never respected my boundaries so why should I bear the burden of yours?

I realize you are grateful that I am with you, that I’ve chosen you over all the others, but let’s lay all the cards out shall we? My only choice was between you and nothing. And we all know how lonely nothing is. I consider myself a strong, independent woman but even I can’t live without the light you provide through the idiot box. However, that is where it ends.

I am not interested in any other offers you have conjured up in the attempt to take more of my money, unless it’s an offer of free cable service with no fine print. No seriously, I’m not interested. I wasn’t three months ago when you decided to begin the stalking, and I won’t be in the future. Ever.

After I began not just ignoring your calls but actually hanging up on you, you changed your number. I applaud your resourcefulness, you fooled me. Once. I answered, but I am still baffled at how the following conversation hasn’t deterred you from your mission to rob me legally:

Me: Hello?
You: Hello, is this Mrs. Hapabukbuk?
Me: Who is this?
You: Hello Mrs. Hapabukbuk, this is cablevision. I was wondering if you’d be-
Me: No, I’m not interested.
You: It’s just a little-
Me: No, I really don’t have the time.
You: But-
Me: I’m at work! I thought you were a call I was waiting for.
You: It will only take 5 min-
Me: I don’t have time for this, I’m WORKING. Please don’t call again.
You: But-
Me: Bye.

I am forced to put it all in writing now since you’ve blatantly ignored my vocal request (which was allegedly recorded but I digress). I’ve had enough of your harassment. STOP CALLING ME, or I will be forced to take legal action against you. Two phone calls a day for a week every other week constitutes grounds for a restraining order, and with the right lawyer, monetary compensation for punitive damages.

And then I’ll dump you like a body in the East River.

Kisses,

Ms. Hapabukbuk