Open Letter To My Landlord (A Very Special WTHIWWY)

(A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?:)


Dear Jerk:

So I see you got the fountain to work. Thank Goodness. I was beginning to worry that strangers passing and tenants alike would never again be able to enjoy the pointless gravitational pull of channeled water behind a large bush in front of our building. It would be such a shame if my kitchen ceiling continued to leak AND the fountain was out of order. My heart couldn't take both life affecting problems at once.

And I don't think I ever thanked you for the renovation of the railing out front either. Changing the color from red to black with brass accents was brilliant. It even matches the number plate you were finally able to find to nail to the front door! Impressive! Now people won't have to call to find out which building I live in when they are standing just outside, frantically looking for a number that's not there.

I also love the little apartment number you nailed outside my door, so low and off to the side I didn't even notice it was there until a sock fell out of my laundry basket and I bent over to retrieve it. Very subtle.

Oh! And the stripes! Fantastic idea if I do say so myself. There is no better color combination than red, yellow and grey, and to paint it over the original 19th century molding? Genius.

I know I speak for all the other tenants in the building when I say thank you for addressing the exterior building issues of our place of living before the interior ones. The beautiful flowers, soothing fountain and gorgeous hallway paint job make us want to live here forever, despite the few plumbing, electrical, structural, etc. problems I know we all suffer. To the outside world we must appear to live like royalty. Even the housing authority must think so despite the many, many charges against you! So thank you for that! Bravo!!

If you are wondering what that smell is, it's the bag of dog poop I lit on fire and left outside your door in thanks.

Your biggest fan,
Hapabukbuk

Hey HEY Hey!

Take a look to the right! I allegedly know a few more bloggers!
It was so great to meet you guys!
Take that Chicago bloggers that I can't meet because I'm chained to this East Coast city!
I wish Lulu the best of luck on her new endeavors! I'm very jealous!
I implore Coaster and George to write a screenplay about Mama Gin. They'd be more famous than sliced bread.
And of course wonderturtle, where would I be without your excellence?
I will of course write another post about this with a lot more humor.
I'm still coughing. Pity me.

Sweet Sassy Molassy II

I've been sick since Thursday night, and therefore devoid of any wit with which I usually attempt to amuse.
Anyone got any quick remedies?
The wishing it would go away isn't really working...

Sweet Sassy Molassy

I'm tired.
I guess that's what 4 vodka cranberries and an all night dance party gets you.

Yeah, I Rocked That

Remember the tucking of the shirt in the front and letting it hang out the back?
I rocked that.

Remember the pleated skirts with matching polyester/cotton blend shirts?
Rocked that too.

Remember the different color socks?
Totally rocked that.

Remember tucking the bottoms of pants into the different color socks?
Rocked it with a side of fries.

Remember the spandex under the boxers?
Rocked that hard.

Remember the crazy design footless tights?
Rocked that blind.

A Few Things I Learned Last Week

in no particular order:

One cannot go a day without eating gelato whilst visiting Italy.

Europeans don't eat turkey sandwiches, unless they're on an airplane.

Don't believe anyone who tells you you can walk to your hotel carrying your luggage, ie "just follow the road and down a few stairs. It should only take ten minutes." Unless it's opposite day.

Eating dinner at a table outside on a quaint cobblestone street doesn't mean a bus will not drive by 2 inches from your salad. Multiple times.

If you buy tickets for all the public transportation you take, conductors will never check them. If you happen to miss one, they will. And then tell you 50 times the ticket you showed them from the trip out is not valid for the trip back, despite your informing them that the guy at the other end told you it was ok.

Signing up for a specific tour doesn't necessarily mean that's the tour you will end up taking. Especially when the meeting place is by "the newsstand in the piazza across from footlocker."

Don't give money to the people outside churches asking for donations. Giving to the ones inside will make you look less suckerish and more generous.

A really great hotel room does not mean the shower will be big enough for you to fit in.

Pay attention when you are buying tickets from a machine or else you will end up paying 10 dollars more for first class, when there really is no difference between first and second class. Except the price. Which you have now paid. For not paying attention. Jackass.

Silly poses in front of ancient ruins are still fun.

If you decide to walk, it will take forever. If you decide to take a taxi, they will be on strike. If you decide to take a train, you won't be able to find the track. If you take the subway, the platform will be packed with people and you'll panic about finding your ticket because it looks like there are about 6 uniforms looking sternly at people passing until you get closer and realize they are just surrounding a businessman who is lying on the floor with a bloody nose.

People wrote "I wuz here" type graffiti 2000 years ago. Also "Rachel gave me crabs".

Proof I Wasn't Lying