Musings of a Hapabukbuk

Saturday, December 30, 2006

I Spy With My Little Eye...

...the oddities of Floridian adornment:

on their lawns*

in their houses**

in their newspapers***

*This neighborhood is not allowed to put things on their lawn. They can however, put things on cement.
**Every single time I visit I am baffled that this is on display in my parents' living room.
***In case it's not legible: THE MYTH OF EVOLUTION A SCIENTIFIC EXPOSE'. I was completely unaware both that evolution needed an expose´ and that an apostrophe can be substituted for an accent mark.

*sigh* I have so much to learn...

Friday, December 29, 2006

“I Never Bother With People I Hate That’s Why The Lady Is A Tramp”

The latest additions to the list:

The old, cranky bastard who bumped me as he stepped in front of me and then had the gall to gasp in outrage, mumble something incoherently and look at me like I was an insolent child for disturbing his personal space.

The loud, suburban but-because-she-lives-close-to-the-city-thinks-she’s-a-New Yorker woman who demanded to know if the seat next to mine was taken or if the bag and jacket there (in addition to the ones I clearly wore and held in my lap) was just “[my] stuff”.

The strange, strange man on the bus who clipped his hands free earpiece to the left arm of his eyeglasses and then pulled the chord and microphone tight against his face above his lip as he put the ear bud in his right ear. I don’t hate him per se, but he totally freaked me out so I’m puttin’ him on the list.

Carson Daly (actually, long time standing)


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Things I Learned On My Holiday Vacation

1. Bert and Ernie’s names from Sesame Street were taken from It’s A Wonderful Life

2. Little bits of oreo crumbs in chocolate bars are only slightly less delicious than in ice cream cake

3. I can tolerate exactly two 1.5 hour car rides of radio Christmas music

4. If the plane is packed, a screaming child or someone with halitosis so rancid it could melt the flesh off your face will be seated next to me

5. I have apparently moved into the age bracket where jumping on a trampoline makes you feel nauseated (god help me)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

My First Million

I'm going to start a T-shirt business.
Here's my first offering:

Copyright © 2006 Hapabukbuk. All Rights Reserved.

You know you want it.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Satan Hates Me

What's more fun than having to plunge a toilet?

Getting it all over the bottom of your pants!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I Heart Moobees

1. Popcorn or candy?
Cookies. Duh.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
The devil is a woman

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar. Who loses theirs and to whom do you give one?
I dunno. I used to LOVE the Oscars. Now they’ve just become tiresome…though I do enjoy watching the celebs arrive in their fancy threads. Letsee…with a little help from the internet, I suppose matt damon should have won over jack in '97…I mean really. He’s jack, but c’mon. As good as it gets? That movie made me want to strangle myself while poking my eye out with a fork.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.

because it’s just ABSURD and every girl needs at least one thing in their closet they’ll never wear.

5. Your favorite film franchise is....
the Vacation movies “Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit”

6. Invite five living movie people over for dinner. Who are they?
Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?
Lauren Bacall – fabulous stories about the history of the business, her life, politics and searing criticisms of today’s starlets
Amy Sedaris – fantastic, sparkling, satiric wit about everything, female perspective
Steve Carell - fantastic, sparkling, satiric wit about everything, male perspective
Susan Sarandon - fabulous stories about the business, her life, politics (yes I’d like to hear her politics, sue me)
Kiki Dunst - so I’d be smarter than at least one person in the room. Does that make me evil?
A bukbuk feast of course, so I’d have at least one thing to say.
Lechon anyone?

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cellphones in the movie theater?
The closest person to them is allowed to go Naomi Campbell on their ass

8. Choose a male and a female bodyguard from a film:
Wolverine hell-OH and Lt Ripley from Alien. She can kick any kind of ass there is to kick.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?
That crazy poltergeist clown. Still have nightmares about it.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama") is....
thriller eeeeeeeeee!

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?
A whole hell of a lot of girls kick ass movies, dramas, comedys, actions, thrillers, young, old and in between…do you sense a theme through this survey?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Satan's To Do List

X Make sure toilet still leaks

/ Check that water aroma is still at smelly
(not totally sure. I may have just gotten used to it)

X Drain bathtub when person bathing leans back in a restful position

X Have shower faucet break mid-turn so that the water is running
slowly and cannot further be turned fully on or off.

X Make sure the light socket on the left side above the mirror
remains non-working

X Begin paint peeling since the fresh coat is at least a month old

Monday, December 11, 2006

What was I thinking? Vol. 11

Sucks for you.

While awaiting a train to New England in the gigantic fire trap that is NY Penn Station, I noticed that a few trains traveling south were delayed. A woman walked up and stood beside me to see the screen that displayed train status and gates. When the letters CANCELLED popped up next to the train she was apparently taking, she immediately began to throw the adult version of a tantrum.

“How can they dooo that? How can they just cancel a train?!!”

I turned my head toward her and gave a half smile, an unconscious effort I suppose at sympathy because I used to take that same commuter train every day. I understood her situation.

I realize now a half smile was an inappropriate offering.

“You don’t care do you? You don’t even give a damn!” she practically spat at me. were pretty much right up until the moment you actually said it. Now I care because it means I have to deal with you for the next 20 minutes muttering about the train being cancelled because the conductors were "probably drunk". Awesome.

After some more stomping around, glaring at other commuters until someone agreed with her and loudly telling the mouthpiece of her cellphone just how large an idiot the collective company of NJ Transit is, she finally moved out of earshot.

Remind me to keep my incorrect sympathetic facial expressions to myself.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

WTHIWWY - Public Transport, Letter I

A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?

Dear old lady who understood the bus stopping at bus stops to meanit was time to leave her seat and bother the bus driver about the route while blocking the aisle so no one could get by:

When I stood behind you and said, "excuse me" as politely as possible since you had already annoyed me by blocking other people as they tried to exit the bus thereby making me later and later to my destination, I meant please move so I can get to work.

When you continued to block the aisle and I said, "Excuse Me" again more loudly, I meant go back to your seat this instant you old bat. you are on my last nerve.

When that too failed to alert you to the traditional act of disembarking a bus when it stops I said, "EXCUSE ME" as loudly as I could, adding in a noise of disgust for good measure and letting my impatience get the best of me as I actually pushed by you to descend the stairs, I meant get the hell out of my way before I strangle you with your scarf.

I'd advise you to avoid causing this scene in the future for next time I may not be in such a delightful mood.




Friday, December 01, 2006

I've Got My Spine

And I've Got My Orange Crush.

I've been Tagged!!

Oh the crushes. The very many crushes...(part 1 Wonderturtle? Do I smell an all revealing part 2 in my future?)

I met my first boyfriend in 1982. I was five. When we finally learned how to write Larry left me love notes in my flip top desk that said “I love you” and “let’s pretend we’re married” and “just like Kris loves Jenny, I love you”. I went to his house once and gave him a plaque that said #1 boyfriend. He gave me a bear wearing a T-shirt that said #1 girlfriend. He was a Hapabukbuk like me. Then he moved away and wrote me a really mean letter. But I’m over it. Really I am.

Fourth grade produced Danny, the boy who took me into the hallway to give me a hug on the last day of school then got me to say “yes” in front of our entire 6th grade Spanish class.

George liked me all through junior high and enjoyed playing do you trust me? every chance he got…i.e. putting his hand on my thigh higher and higher until I slapped it away. He also enjoyed coming up to my friends and me while we stood talking in a circle and labeling us each as mountains or a wall. I didn’t have a crush on him per se, but I did bask in the attention despite the protestations.

Year 13, first year I remember experiencing real life crappiness. Kevin, adorable shy boy I managed to “go out with” for about a week, but felt terribly guilty because I had a suspicion that my best friend Jenny liked him. Eventually the guilt won out.

Peter, not so adorable loud boy I managed to “go out with” for about 3 hours, but broke it off because…I have no idea. I can’t
even remember why we told anyone we were “going out”. Not really a crush but so be it.

Right before graduation we went on a class trip to Jamestown. Alex sat next to me on the bus and told me he liked me. I couldn’t believe it because I always thought he was cute. We hung out together the whole trip and I fell asleep on his shoulder on the way home. He kissed me behind the bus when we got back to school. We went to different schools the next year.

The high school years. Letsee…let me preface by saying all my high school crushes lasted at most a couple weeks. What can I say? I have a short attention span.

Huge crush on John in biology, practically jumped in his lap while watching heart surgery, he never returned the crush but loved the fact that I had a thing for him. I liked Alfred until he told everyone a vicious lie about me. How dare he tell everyone we made out! If it had been true it would have been one thing…Sean, too shy to know I was interested, Mark, too drugged up to know I existed, Mike, didn’t like me when I liked him, Doug, PSYCHO. Yeah, that one stopped the crushes for a while. Senior year was Wander, and years later he told me he had a crush on me, but neither of us made a move because another mutual friend liked him. She would have terrorized us and we knew it…

OK gizmorox, casual slack, letsee whatchoogot?