WTHIWWY - Shutup Van, Letter IV

A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?


I’d like to thank the following people for causing/contributing to my nausea and making my morning commute suck more than usual:

Mr. Rent-a-Driver Ponytail Wearing Jerk- your driving has not improved, you continue to be reckless and a danger to anyone
inside and outside your van. I still hate you and your light FM.

Ms. My Shower Is Broken But I Found A Bottle Of CK One– did someone forget to remind you that traveling in a small, enclosed vehicle means limited air space for breathing? That is, none has been allotted for your noxious perfume so give it a rest.

Ms. Loud For No Reason Because We Are In A 5x10 Tin Box- first you had a loud 15 min cell phone conversation about God knows what that evidently could not wait until you got to the office. Then you had a loud 20 min conversation with the guy sitting behind me that also evidently could not wait until you got to the office. But here’s my real beef: if you’re going to be audibly inconsiderate, at least brush your teeth. I could smell your breath through the perfume haze.

test post because blogger says 'there was an error'

it wasn't enjoyable tv. the first was a stupid stupid movie about a single mom and her kids. they set her up with a vampire
(unknowingly of course) just to get her out of the house so they could go out. i wanted to kill myself but i couldnt stop watching it. then because i didnt want to move, i started watching boogyman because barry watson is incredibly cute. but god what a stinker of a movie that was.

Re: Fw:

Let me see a show of hands...
How many of you have gotten the Trick or Treat forward of pets dressed up in costume? Or the other one with random animals
dressed up in costume, like a turtle as a shark?

If you haven't, or you'd like another one, let me know and I'll have my mother forward it to you again. She constantly forwards me emails that I've already received because she refuses to look at the list of recipients. In her defense, I'd never be originally cc'd on the American centric pro-republican animated emails she gets from her midwestern transplant floridian friends so I guess that's a plus.

Ms. Manners

What is the generally accepted reaction, gender expectations aside, when someone drops something near you and then looks
at you to pick it up even though your arms are clearly full, rendering you unable to bend over without dropping everything?

Oh so shooting “you have got to be an unbelievably ginormous egomaniac to even entertain the thought of me stooping to retrieve that for your sorry ass“ death rays from my eyes was a bit much?

Probably. Since he didn’t realize he had dropped anything and was actually just waiting for me to move.

Website Names 49 "Male-Kind" Ambassadors

Or the richest, handsome'est, politically powerful men in the US, based on one million votes from its intellectually challenged readers.

Next dumbass poll, 99 most desirable women. Vote now!

Here's The Deal

I don't care if it's for the hot dog stand, public transportation or for a free pack of gum from the guy on the street corner, if we are both waiting in the same line and you are behind me, don't stand next to me. It will only make me hate you.

Say It Out Loud Vol. 1

Quotable quotes from Hapabukbuk's viewing library:

Nancy: "What's the matter with you?"
Celia: "I pulled a muscle in my cooz at boot camp, alright? Glad you asked?"

-Last Tango in Agrestic

Why I Need A Cat

Weird Weirdness

Have you ever said a word over and over in your head so many times it sounded weird?

Have you ever done it with your own name?

Suddenly, like two minutes ago, my own name sounded incredibly weird to me. And then I started thinking about the other people I know with my name and how we all answer to the same strange sounding syllables put together, and it sounded even weirder.

But it has passed.

Now it’s just an ordinary boring name like usual.

#14- Yes, I Hit Danny. And I'd Do It Again.

After my 3rd grade boyfriend Larry moved away, Danny entered the scene. All through 4th grade everyone knew that Danny liked me and I liked Danny, but he was not my boyfriend. Not like Larry was.

Then 5th grade rolled around and it was clear that over the summer Danny had taken lessons in how to be a little bastard. He teased me relentlessly every chance he got and I was just floored at how he had changed. On the last day of 4th grade he brought me into the hallway to give me a hug and on the first day of fifth grade he called me chicken legs (which is ha'larious considering he was skinnier than I was.)

Anyway, despite all the teasing I resolved never to let him know that I still liked him. That is until he finally broke me one day during 6th grade Spanish class.

Danny: go out with me. (as in, we're too young to actually go anywhere, so let everyone label you as my girlfriend instead)
Hapa: no.
Danny: why not?
Hapa: because i know it's a joke.
Danny: it's not a joke. go out with me.
Hapa: no.
Danny: why not? i promise it's not a joke.
Hapa: no.

This continued on for a few minutes before my desire to believe him outweighed my knowing better.

Hapa: ok.
Danny: (somewhat surprised) what?
Hapa: yes.
Joey: HAHAHAHAHAAAA!! he was just kidding! it was a joke!
Hapa: (in a loud voice to joey) asshole.
Joey: what did you say?
Hapa: you're an asshole!
Craig: mrs. r! mrs. r! did you hear that? hapa said a bad word!

Mrs. R had obviously witnessed the whole scene as it played out directly in front of her, but it was only because of Craig that she had to call me on my choice of words. I admitted to my profanity with just enough pride left to hold back the tears. She looked me in the eyes and said,

Mrs. R: ok just don't do it again.

After class I found Danny standing by his locker. I slapped him. He totally deserved it.

Though I know in his heart of little boy hearts he totally still liked me and did want to go out.

I should have kicked Joey's ass though. What a jerk.

Blame Wonderturtle

1) Would you bungee jump?
No. But I would sky dive.

2) If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be?
An independent folk rock activist. Specific enough?

3) Your favorite fictional animal?
The Centaur. Hello-ah, sagittarius here. 'Tho the Phoenix is a close second.

4) One person who never fails to make you laugh?
Wonderturtle, and she likes to make me laugh so it's a good deal.

5) When you were 12 years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?
An actress. Shocker. When I was 7 I wanted to be an acrobat. Much cooler aspiration.

6) What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
Wonder what day/time it is.

7) Have you ever gone to therapy?
Yes. 5 sessions. It was all my insurance would allow before needing a signed letter saying "this b***h is crazy and needs you to pay for more therapy". Apparently I fooled my psychologist.

8) If you could have one superpower what would it be?
Teleportation. OMG I'd have the greatest life ever. I'd be able to explore the world and blink out at any sign of danger or of...owing money.

9) What is your favorite cartoon character?
Meatwad.


10) Do you go to church?
I did. For the first 21 years of life.

11) What is your best childhood memory?
There are many...the one I'm thinking of now concerns my friend Jenny, me and a board game of cheers. Something set us off and she laughed so hard she threw up.

12) Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. But the way it is practiced is. Much like voting electorally.

13) Do you own a gun?
No. Wouldn't dream of it.

14) Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Yes. And in remembering the story it needs a post all its own.

15) Have you ever sung in front of a large group of people?
Does a bear poop in the woods? Just call me Hammy McHamson.

16) What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their face.

17) What is your biggest mistake?
Eating a whole box of Entenmann's knowing it would make me sick and proceeding anyway. Or not partying enough in college. I dunno, How can you measure the size of a mistake? Regret is relative. Like everything else.

18) Say something totally random about yourself.
I have to crack my back up to 5 times a day every day.

19) Has anyone ever said that you looked like a celebrity?
Ali McGraw, that chick from wonder years, Katie Holmes pre-Cruise debacle and the latest, Jessica Alba. Basically any celeb with long dark hair. There aren't that many half and half's out there with my likeness. Maybe I'll be the first for others to be compared.


20) What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Cary Q pulled me behind a tree in 4th grade and handed me star shaped pin studded with glass beads, a few of which were missing. For such a loud, rowdy kid he was awfully shy. I dislike this question because this is the only answer I can dredge from memory.

21) Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
It depends on the person. I am actually boring myself as I write this, so thanks for sticking it out. (Wonderturtle took the words right out of my mouth.)

22) Tags: I gotchah tags right here! Um...saserella? casual slack?

Newsflash

Asian baby adoption out


Afrian baby adoption in

WTHIWWY - City Life, Verse IV

A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?:

One day I went to meet some friends at another friend’s apartment in a high-end area of the mid-East side. Or at least the building was of a swanky persuasion as when I arrived I had to be announced by the…what are they called? Bell men?

As I waited for the doors of the elevator to close, a woman got in with her Dean and Deluca bags and matching haughty attitude. Snoots McSnooty was apparently returning from a day out shopping, for which she had to bathe in her favorite perfume. I immediately began sneezing. She didn’t say Bless you, she didn’t turn her head. She didn’t even blink, though it was clearly her nasty aroma which caused my reaction.

After meeting with my friends, we got on a descending elevator that already had one occupant: Snooty McSnooterson, Snoot’s alleged sister. She was dressed in all black and practically strained her neck as she tilted it back to look down her nose at us. I fought the urge to stick out my foot and trip her as she clicked her way out to meet her companion.

Listen up Snooties of the East side, I may not look like a million bucks in my jeans and sweatshirt, but “I’ll [always] be the million you’ll never make.” (Thanks Ani.)

What Was I Thinking Vol. 9

Sure I'll taste it.

I am not a coffee drinker. Never have been, probably never will be. When the tea makes its way around however I will usually partake, most of the time remembering to ask if it's herbal.

One day my roommate brought home some bubble tea and asked if I wanted some. I'd never had one and the thought of those little tapioca balls at the bottom of the cup intrigued me. So at about 3:30pm I finished the tea, still tottering the decision line between liking it and not-so-much.

That evening as I tossed and turned well into the early hours before sunset, I thought hard about why I was unable to sleep.
Was it stress? Maybe. Was I thinking about tomorrow's to-do list? Maybe. Was I defining some astrophysical equation that determined why the earth circles the sun? Um...What did I eat out of the ordinary today?

Bubble Tea.

Evil, Evil Caffinated Bubble Tea.

6 hours later I woke up with so much restless energy I actually put on sneakers and ran almost 2 miles.

I don't run unless being chased.

Or apparently, am caffinated.

Alright Already

To be perfectly honest, though it will probably make a lot of people turn in disgust, there is nothing I could care less about than sports. I'll watch the occassional tennis match but that's about as far as it goes. This makes me different from other people, I know this. At times I must work to make others believe I'm normal, or at the very least that I won't infect them with some kind of socially unacceptable anti-sports condition.

At any rate, every single person I rode public transportation with last night was drunk. And I'm not talking the
tipsy had a few beers while watching the game drunk. I'm talking stinking, I'm-trying-to-talk-but-all-that-sounds-is-a-slurred-moan, drunk.

Before embarking on the journey home one especially wasted guy actually asked me how much the subway costed. Well anyway, the rise in the tone of his voice at the end of "twoooo dollaarrrsssss-ah?" lead me to believe he was asking.

I guess my only conclusion from all of this, is this:

Autumn Is In The Air

I know this not by the changing temperature, the changing colors of foliage or the noticeable increase in sales of squash and apple cider, but the fact that the monkeys have begun banging on the pipes in my building. Every fall in an almost ritualistic fashion they crowd around the boiler in the basement and take turns whacking the pipes with the various tools my landlord gives them. After about a week or two of this, when the temperature eventually dips below 50 in the evening, the heat will actually rise up through those pipes and warm my bedroom to a comfortable 102 degrees.

Satan likes it hot and leaky in his quarters. He apparently also relishes crumbling ceilings.

One day my landlord will somehow mess up his part of the bargain and Satan will take up residence in his bathroom, wherever that may be.

I await the day like a second coming.

Skinny Boring Pant

Hey gap
I rather feel like expressing myself now.

Nobody except Audrey Hepburn and the 7 other women who had her body shape in 1963 looks good in your skinny black pant.

Your taste in retro sucks.

So stop shoving that crap down our throats. We're not falling for it.

Call me,
Hapabukbuk

Nothin' Like A Canadian Pumpkin

Seems there's a shortage of pumpkins from North American prairies. St. Paul is one of many places that stands to suffer potential "disappointment" when searching for the perfect Jack o'lantern.

The Great Pumpkin is sick this year kids. Don't even bother waiting in the patch.

Puff The Magic...Whoa

I just got some really dirty pictures of Puff the Magic Dragon. Have you gotten them yet? I immediately sent it to everyone I've ever met. Just kidding. I sent it to a number of friends who I knew would never think I'd send them something like that, just to keep them guessing.

Did it work?