Rules Of Conduct On An Overcrowded Bus Caught In Bumper To Bumper Traffic

-When, after the doors close, a ridiculous high pitched siren goes off and a MTA official asks that five people disembark because there is too much weight, if you are one of the last five people to embark, Get. Off. The. Bus. It's that simple.

-Do not bang on the window and demand the A/C be turned on because you are hot. Obviously the driver would have turned it on if it was working.

-In addition, do not open the emergency exit because it's hot and then yell at the driver "not to drive a broken bus" when he makes you close it for your own safety.

-If you are fortunate enough to get a seat, do not think that because you close your eyes the people standing in front of you magically disappear. When you shift in your seat and swing your foot forward you will kick someone.

-In addtion, if you decide to take a nap and somehow naturally assume the crash position, do not think the people standing will always be nice enough to allow you the space to do so by inching backwards.

-If you are standing and the person seated before you falls asleep in a crash position, do not inch backwards. There is someone standing there. Just wake his ass up.

-In addition, if you are standing do not hold your arms akimbo. There's no f'ing space for that.

-In addtion to that addition, do not flip your long ass/curly ass hair around. It's 98 degrees in a bus that's not moving, chances are you're going to look like shit when you get where you're going anyway.

-If your girlfriend is standing behind you, do not turn around backwards to face her and then sway. There is someone now standing the proper way behind you who doesn't appreciate being bumped every thirty seconds.

-If you're a cute guy in a grey hat, look at someone when they're lusting after you.

Obsession

Happens to me a lot. ‘Specially when it comes to music. Here is a sampling of songs I have or had at one point on repeat (1) until the cd/mp3 refused to play anymore. Hope I can pass on the addiction.

Amy Winehouse "Rehab"

The Cliks "Oh Yeah"

Andrew Bird "A Nervous Tick Motion Of The Head To The Left"

Regina Spektor "Us"

The Redwalls "Thank You"

Nikka Costa "Get Off My Sunshine"

Rilo Kiley "Portions For Foxes"

Jack Johnson "Banana Pancakes"

Garbage "Why Do You Love Me?"

Imogen Heap "Hide and Seek"

WTHIWWY - Hardly Working, Verse I

A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?:

A few years ago after I was coughed up and spit out into the real world, I was forced to do temp work to pay my over-inflated rent. Newly graduated, unemployed and dumb enough to move out of your parent's house will do that to you. One such job was as a glorified door opener on an almost defunct floor of a well-known fashion icon’s corporate offices. During the phone interview I was indirectly asked if I was thin, pretty and stylish enough to be seen working there. Had I not been so desperate for money I would have told them I was large, homely and outdated just to see how they responded. The expected dress code was all black of course, with minimal jewelry and makeup. When I arrived I was lead to my “desk” which looked more like the reception window of a doctor’s office. Approximately three people worked on the floor and needed to be buzzed in and out of the security door. While sitting the counter came up to just below my eyes. Good thing I was thin, pretty and stylish.

What Was I Thinking? Vol. 12

I had Indian food for dinner last night.

Mercedes At Loss For New Way To Sell Product

Does anyone else feel Mercedes-Benz's Fashion Week campaign sets us back a few (hundred) years?


If you really wanted to go with the whole 'buy-this-car-and-long-legged-hot-women-will-drape-themselves-all-over-you' vibe, you should have just asked Jani Lane to share his archived photos from the Cherry Pie shoot. I'm sure he would have been happy to oblige.

It'll Last Longer And You Won't Embarrass Yourself In The Middle Of The Supermarket

When my parents were married in 1965, it was cause for controversy. A buk buk and a haole? Insanity! They were stared at wherever they went, to the point where my father became so paranoid he started walking ahead so people wouldn’t think they were together. He stopped doing this when he lost my mother one too many times because she refused to “follow her man". There’s a woman ahead of her time right there...which is ironic because she sent me to college so I’d have a degree “to fall back on” should something happen and I’d need to support myself. She was almost there.


One day while food shopping, a woman was so captivated by my parents she walked into a giant display of toothpaste boxes, spilling them everywhere across the floor. My mother simply looked at her and actually said, “you should have just taken a picture.”

*Not my actual parents. Not even close representations of my actual parents. ‘Mixed couple’ does not bring up a variety of photos to choose from in google images. This was one of about 2 pictures with an Asian in it. The other one was unacceptable.

Corporate Boobery

If they're not going to allow me a 4 day work week, the least they could do is allow a nap time.

Overheard Out Of My Mouth

There were two buses outside the building when I left work yesterday.
One had a tiny sign in the window, the other did not.
I stopped and looked at them from afar.
My colleague said, "That one's yours," with an unhelpful jerk of his head toward the general area of both buses.
I squinted at the sign and said, "The one that says special?"

50/50

If I should ever find myself in the situation where divorce is a reality and I am awarded half the house in a settlement, I will totally take my half with a forklift if he puts up a fight.

And if any prospective hapabukbuk mates can’t deal with even the thought of a completely equal dissolution, then don’t apply.

Had To Do It

I stole this from Gizmorox because it's the first place I saw it:

Who knew my choice of visuals could provide such an accurate personality disorder. I mean description.

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

Telephone Reenactment

Paraphrasement of various actual converstations

Dad: Hello.
Hapabukbuk: Hi dad!
Dad: What’s happening?
HB: Not much, just thought I’d call to tell you the good news.
Dad: News? Oh. How is work?
HB: I got a promotion!
Dad: Ah? Promotion? Dat’s bery good. You are happy now?
HB: Yes! I’m finally doing what I want to do-
Dad: Dat’s good. Here is your mom.
HB: No wait…Dad?
(phone shuffling)
HB: Oh, ok…bye dad.
Dad: (faintly) Peek up da phone.
Mom: (faintly) Wait one second! Who is it?
(phone shuffling)
Dad: (faintly) Just peek it up!
Mom: (faintly) One second!
(phone shuffling)
Mom: Hello?
HB: Hi mom.
Mom: Oh HB! Hi! I was just ebaying. I sold your last care bear. 30 bucks!
HB: My last care bear?
Mom: What, you wanted it?
HB: I didn’t even know I still had it!
Mom: Well anyway, it’s gone now. So what’s up?
HB: Was it cheer bear?
Mom: What?
HB: Anyway, good news! I got a promotion!
Mom: Ooooohhh! Finally! So what's your title? What'll you do now?
HB: Officially I’m a [W/P] and I get to [tell stories in 30 seconds] full time.
Mom:…that’s it?
HB: What do you mean is that it?! Way to take a gigantic poop on my ambition, ma.
Mom: No, I mean I just thought you wanted to be a writer!
HB: I did, but you know the demand for my fiction was just too much and I had to give it up.
Mom: I always wanted to you to be a teacher.
HB: Ok I’m going to go celebrate now.
Mom: Ok, have fun! I love you!
HB: Love you too.

Mini Bio/Rezume

People with creative offering websites often post biographies about themselves, in what I imagine to be an attempt to give their fans a little insight into their creative origins. I was inspired by Harvey to post a little resume of my own, since this blog is my creative offering. I’m hoping it strengthens that anonymous bridge between blogger and blog…ee and helps you understand where yours truly is coming from.

HAPABUKBUK
Sagittarius
NYC, NY

EXPERIENCE(S)
President, My Little Pony Fanclub, Local Faction #(my house) 1982-1988

Picked first for sport teams in gym class 1984 – 1991

Calm in the face of danger 1988, 1994, etc.
-Smartly went to find my mother after a strange man stopped me while shopping at k-mart and said, “hey little girl” then grabbed his crotch.
-Pulled myself and my young cousin to safety upon realizing a bus was speeding toward us on a busy city street.
-etc.

Wrote a screenplay called Pieces, oddly resembling a movie called My Best Friend’s Wedding 1998

Stopped enjoying MTV 2002

Tanned to perfection during Thanksgiving 1989-1994, 1996, 2006

Taught myself “Suddenly Monday” by Mel C on the piano 2007

SKILLS
One of NYC’s top few thousand amateur folk musicians

Can laugh loudly and heartily at completely random things

Ear wiggling

AWARDS
“Most Beautiful Girl In The World” (awarded annually by my mom)

The “RPS Award” 2 years in a row 1986, 1987

“Most Musical” 1995

Say What?

Top 10 spoken/written words/phrases I totally abuse:

10. 411
9. you’ve got to be kidding
8. shut it
7. ‘sallgood
6. doh
5. no worries
4. whatever-ah
3. do it
2. no
1. we’re so over

Self-Portrait Triptych

Me Yesterday

Me Today

Me Tomorrow

Reason #8,392 Why I Hate My Landlord

Monday/Tuesday Morning Shower
Minutes 1-7: hot
Minutes 7-15: warm

Wednesday/Thursday Morning Shower
Minutes 1-7: warm
Minutes 7-10: cool


Today's Morning Shower
Minutes 1-5: warm
Minutes 5-7: cool
Minutes 7-8: cold

Ad Nauseam: Without Our Product A Life Of Losertude Is Just Around The Corner!

Ok look. I know myspace is prime real estate for dating sites to advertise, but come on. This is just beyond obnoxious:


Boyfriend Season? Is that anything like Pink Is The New Red Season? Or is it more like Sugar Daddy Season? Because personally I wouldn't mind going through a gold digging phase. I don't really care so much if my new red shirt is passé.