Possible Admittance I'm Getting Old, But More Likely Everyone Is Just A Jerk*

I attended a concert last night, and as per usual I have some complaints. Here is a list of ways the show could have been more enjoyable.

-the absence of the surround sound 16 year old speakers behind me, shouting the words to every song off key.

-the absence of people needing to walk back in forth in front of me, stumbling over the edge of the stairs.

-the absence of the guy who not only stumbled but tripped over the edge of the stairs and fell over, punching me extremely hard in the chest as he went. It still aches a little.

-the absence of the guy selling beers out of a red milk crate who pushed it up against me and held it there, said sorry when I looked at him but then proceeded not to move it for at least another 60 seconds.

-the absence of the guy standing way too close to me for most of the concert.

-the absence of the dipsh*t that kept saying, "it's not over yet," when I moved toward the exit to get away from him and his stupid giggly friends and enjoy the encore in some semblance of peace.

*Everyone is a jerk line credited to B.H.C. aka radiate the bear

Rules Of Conduct At A Sold Out General Admission Concert

If you don’t have enough of your drug of choice to share with the rest of the crowd, you can’t have any either.

If you have a bag and insist on wearing it, recognize when you are jabbing someone in the side with it and shift your positioning.

If you are attending a concert where the point is to hear the music, don’t talk.

If you manage to push your way through the crowd to stand directly in front of people who’ve been standing there for an hour already, don’t offer to go back to where you just came from because you overheard someone say who invited Avril Levine? and want them to feel bad about it.

If you do manage to ingest something mind altering, please keep enough wits about yourself to avoid constantly invading other sober people’s personal space. Flailing your arms and head around when no one else in the entire venue is joining your mosh pit of one will earn you hate. Lots of hate.

If you dance like an assh*le, arms and head flailing, don’t curl your hands into fists and pretend to punch someone when they respond to the loud, talking people that asked what your problem is that she’d like to knock you upside the head the next time you throw your head back in some kind of chemical haze.

If you’re the guy whose job it is to sell beer during the concert and have to push back and forth through the crowd, pick a different route each time. The same people will not buy from you if you just passed them five minutes ago.

Failure to comply with any of these rules grants the people in your immediate vicinity the right to slap you silly, or until you sober up enough to apologize for your selfish behavior. Whichever comes first.

Rules Of Conduct On An Overcrowded Bus Caught In Bumper To Bumper Traffic

-When, after the doors close, a ridiculous high pitched siren goes off and a MTA official asks that five people disembark because there is too much weight, if you are one of the last five people to embark, Get. Off. The. Bus. It's that simple.

-Do not bang on the window and demand the A/C be turned on because you are hot. Obviously the driver would have turned it on if it was working.

-In addition, do not open the emergency exit because it's hot and then yell at the driver "not to drive a broken bus" when he makes you close it for your own safety.

-If you are fortunate enough to get a seat, do not think that because you close your eyes the people standing in front of you magically disappear. When you shift in your seat and swing your foot forward you will kick someone.

-In addtion, if you decide to take a nap and somehow naturally assume the crash position, do not think the people standing will always be nice enough to allow you the space to do so by inching backwards.

-If you are standing and the person seated before you falls asleep in a crash position, do not inch backwards. There is someone standing there. Just wake his ass up.

-In addition, if you are standing do not hold your arms akimbo. There's no f'ing space for that.

-In addtion to that addition, do not flip your long ass/curly ass hair around. It's 98 degrees in a bus that's not moving, chances are you're going to look like shit when you get where you're going anyway.

-If your girlfriend is standing behind you, do not turn around backwards to face her and then sway. There is someone now standing the proper way behind you who doesn't appreciate being bumped every thirty seconds.

-If you're a cute guy in a grey hat, look at someone when they're lusting after you.