Alcotard

"The commonest abnormal reaction to alcohol is seen in persons from an oriental background, who get flushing, increased heart rate, and symptoms of reduced blood pressure. This is sometimes referred to as 'oriental flushing syndrome'. Approximately 50% of Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans are deficient in ALDH, [the enzyme which metabolises alcohol] and this has been reported to be protective against the development of alcoholism."
-www.foodreactions.org

If I break it down, I am approximately 1/4 Chinese. If I am deficient in ALDH, which any of my friends can attest to being true, shouldn't this mean I'm only 1/4 deficient?

There are many, many, many kinds of alcohol out there. Why then, can I only get away with consuming a splash of top shelf, and only top shelf vodka with cranberry juice without getting a hangover before I finish the drink?

Because I have expensive taste and psychosomatic ability when it works in my favor.

That's why.

PS. That's oriental background by the way. As well as flushing syndrome, which I've never heard in my life and I grew up around quite a few orientals. Apparently I was born of a rug and have an OCD problem with toilets. But at least I'll never be an alcoholic.

You Know What I Was Just Thinking?

I was just thinking, you know who could really help me out with my depression?

Jim Carrey.

Actor Jim Carrey is writing a self-help book for sufferers of depression who want to avoid using drugs to beat the condition. The Fun With Dick And Jane star battled with depression for years after his meteoric rise to fame in the 1990s, using Prozac and other medication to try and control his dark thoughts. But the 46-year-old states numbing the pain with medication is not the way to deal with the problem, and hopes his new book will help people focus on where their problems stem from...

Sweet.

Sometimes It Hurts To Be American (Good Thing I'm Only Half)

The LAST thing I want to do is promote anything Paris Hilton is involved in, but I cannot let this go without commenting.

Paris Hilton will headline an upcoming reality series on MTV called Paris Hilton's My New BFF, which will feature the socialite in the search of a new best friend. Twenty potential "best friends" will live in a house together, competing for her affection and trying to prove their loyalty. Ten episodes have been ordered.

I could say things like WHY? and Proof of the dumbing of America! and Sweet Sassy Molassy!! But instead I'm just going to say: vomit.

Because that's what this whole idea inspires in me.

Boobs Sell More Than Bras, Who Knew?

Really? This is a global candid camera trick, no?


Aside from the whole naked fembot offensiveness, how can you think you'd be taken seriously with an entire campaign based on being #1 twenty five years from now?

A Series Of Uneventful Events

11:30pm I arrive home to find the door wedged open. Surprise. I think I'll come back out and shut it in a minute and go inside to put down my bags. I promptly forget.

11:45pm The dog starts barking like mad. I ignore it because it's his usual reaction to the elephants that live in the building. This time however, he continues on. I stop what I'm doing and come out into the living room to try to quiet him before he wakes up the neighborhood. I hear a muffled hello? from outside the door. As I am in the middle of changing my clothes I shout one minute!! and run back to put on pants.

11:46pm I open the door a crack and peer out. One of my landlord's monkeys who was fired for stealing from people's apartments stood there looking back.

HB: hello?
Monkey: hi. is your roommate home?
HB: no.
Monkey: oh. my car is being towed (blah blah blah blah) around the corner (blah blah) it's just around the corner. it's being towed right now and it's going to cost me 120 bucks. it's just around the corner! i only have 100 (flashes some twenties at me) on me. (blah blah blah) i was kinda hoping i could borrow 20 bucks from your roommate.
HB: yeah, she's not here.
Monkey: oh, i was just hoping. [translation- i was hoping you'd give me 20 bucks for the previous reason stated that may or may not be the truth so if i'm ever around the neighborhood again and i can leisurely stop by and ask for more.]
HB: sorry man, that sucks. i'd give it to you but i just spent the last of my cash getting home today. [translation- no. get away from my front door.]
Monkey: ok.
HB: good luck.

11:48pm I think my roommate is going to freak out that he remembered her and not me, especially since he replaced the toilet in my bathroom.

11:49pm I look out the peephole and someone else in the building comes home and removes the wedge.

Oh the timing!!

Deodorant

Stores that sell deodorant should not be allowed to forego the unscented varient. More specifically, the unscented deodorant of the brand I use. Forced into purchasing the "tropical paradise" stick, I every now and again get a whiff of a coconutty sun tan lotion smell, and oddly enough, am not enjoying it.

Here is my very strongly worded letter to Unilever:

Dear Unilever:

Your "Suave Naturals Tropical Paradise Invisible Solid Anti-Perspirant" is hardly reminiscent of a tropical paradise. To be frank, it smells like a large group of greased up children at the ymca on free swim day. Please send me a "Suave Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant Invisible Solid, Soothing Aloe Vera" as soon as possible. As it was not offered when I originally made my way to target to purchase the chemically altering substance, I expect this product to arrive gratis for my inconvenience.

Thank you,
Hapa "smells like a dressing room at the pool" bukbuk