Stalking 101

Dear Bank:

Aren't you supposed to be a little more discreet about your stalking? I mean, the numerous phone calls I don't answer which lead to hang ups on voicemail weren't enough to get a restraining order, but now the letters too? Signed and dated by you? I know my bank account isn't nearly as fat as you'd like it to be, so why am I so attractive to you? Why must you plague me with irritating phone calls during AM work meetings or PM movie outings? I know my account is in order because I checked. I'm only going to interrupt you half way through your third word if I ever do pick up the phone when you call to inform you that I am not interested. Unless you deposit free money with no strings attached into my account, I am not, nor will I ever be interested in anything you have to say. So let's make the world a nicer place. Stop calling me.

Soon to be an ex-customer if you keep this up,

Hapabukbuk

A Lesson In Vichyssoise

Table 7 at the Wedding Reception Sunday Evening:

Hapabukbuk: What is...vichee soyce?
Mimi: (shrugs)
Pat: Vishyswah.
Hapabukbuk: What?
Pat: I don't know what it is, but that's how you say it. Vishyswah.
Hapabukbuk: Fun! Vishyswah, vishyswah, vishyswah.
Em: (to waiter) Excuse me, what's in it?
Waiter: Eet iz made weez feesh.
Em: What?
Li: It's cold.
Hapabukbuk: Cold fish soup. Sounds dangerous.
Li: You gotta have balls to serve this at your Wedding.
Hapabukbuk: (tastes a spoonful) And I'm done.

Sleep Is Underrated. UNDERRATED!

It never ceases to amaze me how often I forget things about myself. For example, the fact that I am an extremely light sleeper escapes my memory at the most inconvenient times. Like when I’m packing for an overnight trip somewhere that doesn’t include my sound-proofed bedroom as my sleeping quarters. Friday night was no exception.

I should have spare ear plugs spread generously among the many different bags I use for travel, but as stated previously, I’m an ass.

My parents are visiting from God’s Waiting Room, so Friday we drove upstate to visit and stay with my aunt. She lives in the middle of nowhere with lots of trees and no street traffic, so it’s not all that amazing that it didn’t occur to me to bring ear plugs.

What should have occurred to me was that I might be sleeping in a room with other people in it, people who sleep noisily. Needless to say, if I had brought cymbals I could have completed the all night symphony playing from my parents’ nasal passages. I may have had a combined total of 12 minutes sleep.

Then last night in my own apartment, I was forced to share the 5 and a 1/2 foot couch with a 110 pound dog while my parents slept noisily in my soundproofed bedroom.

I am not quite sure what day it is, where I am or if I am indeed awake at all. I do however, have these nice fluffy bags under my eyes which I may rest on whenever I’m feeling faint.

Dear That Guy:

Yeah, you in the suit barrelling down the New York
sidewalks talking on your handsfree earpiece-

You look like an asshole.

Kisses,
Hapabukbuk

Things I May Tell My Potential Future Children

When it rains it is because the angels are making their ducks cry.

So Little Time...

Time Well Spent...

Playing with Paint...

Animal Poop & Spinach

1:14pm phone conversation with a co-worker:

Bear: (reading an article online) Eww! E Coli break out in Ohio, spread by bagged spinach.
Hapabukbuk: I just bought some bagged spinach!
Bear: Well don’t eat it!
Hapabukbuk: I finished it last night!
Bear: You totally have E Coli!

I am so not laughing right now. So much for trying to eat healthy by making my own damn Mandarin Chicken salad.

What Was I Thinking Vol. 8

AAAAIIIEEEEE!!!

Integral Facts to Vol. 8’s Anecdote:

1. It takes place in Ireland
2. There was nowhere to “pull over”. It was strictly 2 lanes and 2 ditches.
3. I’m pretty sure I was the only Hapabukbuk in the entire country, yet I was first and foremost known as a Yankee.*
*ok #3 is not an integral fact but I thought it an amusing one.


One summer a few years ago, my friend Fiend invited me on a trip to visit her family overseas and then actually allowed me to come when I showed up at the airport, ticket in hand. She rented a car so we could get around easily, or so we thought. Learning stick on an Irish country road doesn’t exactly lend itself to easy travel.

Anyway, at one point when it was just her and me in the car, I heard a buzzing of sorts directly behind my head. I looked around the headrest but didn’t see anything. Then it turned into a tapping against the window. A LOUD tapping that I quickly determined was an insect the size of my fist, ramming itself against the glass. The screaming began immediately.

“AAAHHHH! OMG!! OPEN THE WINDOW!!”

As the windows were all manual, and I couldn’t reach the handle anyway, I just continued to yell. That is until I started laughing and could no longer form words.

“HAHA! GET IT OUT! GET IT HA! PULL OMERAH! HAHAHAA! DWOKEH! DJEKLWEIOAHAHA!”

“What? What? What’s the matter with you? What is it? I can’t pull over! I CAN’T PULL OVER!!”

I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to find a place where we didn’t end up face forward in a ditch. Before the car even stopped, I had flung the door open and myself 20 feet into a field.

After the mutated bumblebee flew non-threateningly away, I calmed my hysterics and got back into the car. Fiend looked over at me with an expression of utter bewilderment.

“What the f**k was that?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, still trying to stifle a laugh. “There was a bee.”

Calf? or Calf?

Did the person who decided to label the back of the lower leg
not know that the word was already taken? Or vice versa?

BillyWitchDoctorDotCom

heh heh.

I am
sofa king
we tad ed.

Say it out loud until you get it.
Thanks Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
If you've got 10 minutes to spare:
click here to see the clip.

WTHIWWY - A Letter To The Celebrities II

A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?

Dear TomKat,
All I have to say is this: my Asian-American butt deserves those 22 Vanity Fair pages much more than your fake Asian-American baby.

Plus I'm way cuter.

Kisses,
Hapabukbuk

Priorities

I saw my landlord skulking around the apartment building this weekend, trying to fix the small fountain his girlfriend no doubt made him place out front. While I appreciate the attempt to bring a little cheer into our lives by arranging seasonal things below our window, i.e. fountain for summer, scarcrow for fall, gingerbread house for winter and bird bath for spring, I hardly think fixing the portable fountain takes precedence over fixing problems with the actual building. However, I caught a glimpse of my landlord's to do list when it fell out of his pocket and discovered that he apparently disagrees with me.

1. boink girlfriend
2. fix fountain
3. put up new sign about doing laundry after 9pm
4. sit in office and ignore phone calls from tenants
5. put more crap in the hallway of the basement, right outside a tenant's door.
6. cut toe nails
7. pick nose
8. get girlfriend to sew the hole in my favorite shirt
9. increase rent
10. - 17. various self-indulgent chores which help in the endeavor to ignore tenants problems with apartments.
18. fix washing machine (what do those damn kids wash in there anyway?)
19. figure out a way to charge more for washing machine
20. - 25. more various self-indulgent things
26. send the monkeys to fix the shower in 2F
27. send the monkeys to fix the ceiling in 1F which is crumbling because the shower in 2F has been leaking for about 2 years.
28. send the monkeys to fix...what was it again? oh I think something else in the apartment was leaking. eh, maybe they'll forget.
29. i'll figure the rest out after i nap
30. no wait, boink girlfriend again
31. nap

A Little Buk Buk Film Culture

wanna hear a little bukbuk mixed with english?

And yes, there's an actor in there whose name is ketchup.

Dreams Really Do Come True

Calling all bookbians!


Calling all drinkbians!

Rite Of Passage

In every girl’s life there comes a time when she must grab the hand of a good friend and force her to drive out to western Jersey/eastern PA to climb over a field of rocks that ‘ring’ when hit by the hammer end of a 5 in 1 tool her father gave her the day she moved out of the house.

My time was last Saturday. With wonderturtle.

And it was delightful.