I'm So Lucky

I've now won about 7 UK lottos as well as an Australian one. And I've never even bought a ticket! I have also been contacted by 3 UK lawyers about a distant relative or at least one man with the same last name as mine who died in a horrible car crash and left millions of dollars that could be mine if I send them my bank account info so they can transfer the funds directly. 2 Nigerian lawyers have also let me know about this man with the same last name as mine who has left behind millions.

Cheryl, Tina, Olga and Stephanie have also all contacted me because after they "discovered" my email while surfing online, they figured I might be the one for them. They have each asked me not to ignore them because they are "attractive, young women" who are looking to be a good wife for someone.

These things are fantastic because a) free money? Yes! and b) who couldn't use a good wife?


It's like I have the Midas Touch.

WTHIWWY - Hardly Working, Verse II

A reading from the book of What The Hell Is Wrong With You?:

The longest temp job I worked was for a fancy culinary school downtown. It lasted two weeks and they actually pulled me in on my last day to ask if I was interested in being their receptionist full time. The answer in my head went like this: I’d rather eat a tapeworm. The answer out of my mouth went like this: No thank you, I actually have another job lined up. Now…though the first answer was true and the second a lie, wasn’t it more diplomatic of me to reply with the latter?

During those two weeks the city suffered one of its Nor’easters and the high winds, hard rain and flooding made a lot of people nervous. Because I needed the money I went to work despite the fact that I actually had to roll up my pants, take off my shoes and wade my way down my street to public transportation. Surprisingly, many of my co-workers did the same.

As the receptionist my job consisted of answering the phone and transferring the caller to one of five people, didn’t matter which of the five.

“Good Morning, [name of fancy culinary school], (pause for question I would ignore.) Hold please while I transfer you to one of our representatives who can further help you.”

On this morning of the storm I had to deal with people calling in to see if classes were cancelled and a school that was unwilling to make up its mind about closing. One woman in particular had a hard time hearing the place was still open. (And because I have a razor sharp memory, especially for things that happened years ago, here is the exact conversation we had.)

“Good Morning, [name of fancy culinary school].”
“Is the school closed today?”
“At the moment classes are still happening.”
“They haven’t been cancelled? Why not? There’s a storm out there!”
“I don’t know ma’am, but the school is still open.”
“My daughter is a student there and I really don’t think she should have to go out in this to get there.”
“Your daughter?”
“Yes she’s a student and I don’t think it’s right that you are still open.”
“You can check back later to see if they decided to close, but at the moment classes are still being held.”
“That is ridiculous! The school should close! It’s terrible out! She shouldn’t have to go to class! She’s my daughter! I don’t want her to be outside. It’s dangerous!”
“Is your daughter six?”
“What?”
“I think she’s probably old enough to make that decision for herself. Thank you for calling.”

I guess it’s probably a good thing I didn’t accept the job offer. I never would have lasted.

WHY?

Why? Why. Why! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

I saw this on the news this morning. You may wonder, on the news? I've kept quiet about my loathing for American Idol because I know so many people love it, and I might be harmed by expressing my hatred. However, this latest ratings stunt? This is going too far.

I cannot deal.

Also...

I almost knocked a guy on crutches over at ikea.
WHAT?
There's a lot of stuff to see there. I don't always watch where I'm walking.
Sue me.

Weekend Excuses

Broke 2 lamps. Why? The standing lamp turned 12 this year and was on its last legs anyway. The table lamp...I plead the fifth.

Heard my electric guitar slide off the bed and had to shed a tear for the newly created chip along its front edge. Why? I’m a careless jerk who didn’t look where she placed a guitar.

Discovered that the mysterious little silver button on the back of my phone does exactly nothing. Why? I broke it trying to figure it out.

Chipped and cracked a drinking glass by accidentally slamming another glass down on top of it. Why? One of the glasses had 1/8th of a margarita in it. Guess which one.

Conclusion: I'm an ass.

Hero? Or Chump?

I rescued a wild, frightened kitten behind my apartment last night.

She was screaming like a banshee. She must have been abandoned.

I knew her for less than an hour before handing her over to an institution that would find care for her.

Before I feel asleep I named her Poe.

"Wild because the chips are down
Wild because there isn't anybody else around
Wild when the waves start to break
And God knows they're breaking in me now"

I miss her. I am such a sap.

Foreign Phrases

For $400 Alex.



What Are The 3 Most Important Phrases To Know When Visiting America?

Stalking 101

My Dearest:

I never know how to start these things…and I suppose you could say I’m a coward for writing a letter rather than speaking face to face, or at the very least a phone call. But here’s the thing, you’ve never respected my boundaries so why should I bear the burden of yours?

I realize you are grateful that I am with you, that I’ve chosen you over all the others, but let’s lay all the cards out shall we? My only choice was between you and nothing. And we all know how lonely nothing is. I consider myself a strong, independent woman but even I can’t live without the light you provide through the idiot box. However, that is where it ends.

I am not interested in any other offers you have conjured up in the attempt to take more of my money, unless it’s an offer of free cable service with no fine print. No seriously, I’m not interested. I wasn’t three months ago when you decided to begin the stalking, and I won’t be in the future. Ever.

After I began not just ignoring your calls but actually hanging up on you, you changed your number. I applaud your resourcefulness, you fooled me. Once. I answered, but I am still baffled at how the following conversation hasn’t deterred you from your mission to rob me legally:

Me: Hello?
You: Hello, is this Mrs. Hapabukbuk?
Me: Who is this?
You: Hello Mrs. Hapabukbuk, this is cablevision. I was wondering if you’d be-
Me: No, I’m not interested.
You: It’s just a little-
Me: No, I really don’t have the time.
You: But-
Me: I’m at work! I thought you were a call I was waiting for.
You: It will only take 5 min-
Me: I don’t have time for this, I’m WORKING. Please don’t call again.
You: But-
Me: Bye.

I am forced to put it all in writing now since you’ve blatantly ignored my vocal request (which was allegedly recorded but I digress). I’ve had enough of your harassment. STOP CALLING ME, or I will be forced to take legal action against you. Two phone calls a day for a week every other week constitutes grounds for a restraining order, and with the right lawyer, monetary compensation for punitive damages.

And then I’ll dump you like a body in the East River.

Kisses,

Ms. Hapabukbuk

These Are The People In My Neighborhood

I comply!

What was the first recorded music you bought?

I believe it was Debbie Gibson's Out Of The Blue when I was 9. I was a late bloomer in the world of music purchasing.

What was the last music you bought?

Damien Rice, 9 Crimes

What was the first "professional" music show you ever went to?

Suzanne Vega at Club Bene around 1993. The next was James Taylor at the Garden State Arts Center in 1995. That's right, I said Garden State Arts Center and that's what it will always be to me. Also late to the world of "professional" music shows.

What was the last?

The Cliks at Mercury Lounge last month.

What's your "desert island" album?

I hate this question. I could never choose or be satisfied with just one. Among the many I would have to have...The Swimming Hour, Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire

What's your favorite album/song title? (the *title* , not the actual album or song).

Puddle Dive, Ani Difranco

"Funkier Than A Mosquita's Tweeter" Tina Turner

What's your favourite album art (include an image of it if you can)?


Ideal choice for a karaoke song?

"Gypsys, Tramps and Thieves" Cher

Song you don't like that WILL NOT LEAVE YOUR HEAD if you hear it.

"Land Of Confusion" Remake by Disturbed

Which is cooler? -- Vinyl? CD? Cassette? 8-track?

Vinyl! Because hello, little grooves in wax? What's happening? Amazing!

Demotivators

Hapabukbuk Seeking Damages In Excess Of $8.5M

If Kevin Costner can sue his music promoter for his continued anonymity as a musician, I can certainly sue my mother for my anonymity as the most beautiful girl in the world. She promised it would be me!! She is in breech of the contract!

The Rising Of A Star

1988 “Androcles And The lion” -Centurion
1989 “The Revenge of the Space Pandas or Binky Rudich and the Two-Speed Clocks” -Space Panda
1990 “Mother Courage” -Soldier
1992 “The Wizard of Oz” -Lollipop Guild Munchkin/Jitterbug
1992 “I Never Saw Another Butterfly” -Child I
1993 “Joseph And The Amazing Technocolor Dreamcoat”
-Brother Issachar
1993 “Two Gentlemen Of Verona” -Sir Eglamour
1994 “Once Upon A Mattress” -Lady Rowena
1995 “Godspell” -Robin
1995 “The Importance Of Being Earnest” -Gwendolyn Fairfax
1999 “I Know What You Did Last Semester” -Host Minx
2007 “Shadowkill 2” -Cyborg


No autographs, please.

The Comback Queen (Clearly A Learned Art)

7th Grade. Tennis courts. Singles Match. RPS vs. DEC.

We had to officiate our own matches because that’s what you do in junior high. This stuck up cheater I was playing called every single ball even remotely near the line out. It made me crazy but being the pushover I am, I never said anything. As the match went on I became more and more agitated, until a ball she hit landed way past the line and I shouted, “in!” Then I realized what I said. “I mean out, sorry. It was out!” This apparently lit a fire under her ass.

“What? What? Can’t you make your calls? Was it in or out?” she screamed.

“It’s out, I said. I meant to say out.”

“How can you say that! In, out, you don’t know! How could you all the way over there!”

“It was OUT. I saw it from over here I just said the wrong word!”

“What’s the matter with you? If it was out why did you say IN?”

I didn’t even struggle for something smart to say. An angry, “BECAUSE I’M STUPID OK?” echoed over the court.

I got the point.

But she won because the frakkin’ cheater called my next 3 shots out.

CURSES

I just dropped my turkey burger on this dirty, disgusting floor.
I hate everyone right now.

WICKED

Buy This, Sucka'

There is a sucker born every minute. I know this first hand because every so often the SUCKER tattoo I had lasered off of my forehead bleeds through to remind me. “As Seen On TV” and the like of such products are my kryptonite.

Nads? Bogus hair removal kit. Want it.

Space Hogging Water Fountain? Need it.

Quick Chop? Don’t cook. Must have it.

However, I am able to refrain from purchasing such products because I am extremely cheap. Most of the time. For reasons unknown to me, every once in a while I give in to my suckertude. Perhaps it’s the way the wind blows at the moment the useless piece of crap is presented to me.

The latest: A soothing sounds mini radio player offered on the envelope flap of my credit card bill. As a light sleeper I need white noise to block out everything that will potentially wake me up. Perhaps it was the wind and my desperation.

After I ordered it, paid for it, forgot about it and then received it 4 months later, I was excited to hear how these new soothing sounds would rock me gently into a nirvanic slumber. Here were my choices:

Rain– the continuous crackling of a radio


Waves – someone blowing on the recording aparatus near a bubbling fish tank


River – A running bath while a bottle is dunked under the water to fill it


Night– One hundred crickets trapped under a large cup with a faint hint of a barking dog on a loop


Soothing my ass. This tattoo itches.

HB's A to Z, Zed If You're British

Seems I've piqued Dale's interest. Blame him!

A- Available or Single
Old fashioned or fabulous?

B- Best Friend
My ipod. I’m a loner. Don’t judge me.

C- Cake or Pie
Pie, unless cookies are available.

D- Drink of Choice
Raspberry stoli and sprite. None of that absolut crap.

E- Essential Item
Grain of salt.

F- Favourite Color
That bluish purple red of summer dusk.

G- Gummi Bears or Worms
Cookies.

H- Hometown
Boringville, nj

I- Indulgence
Hmmmmm….what?

J- January or February
January. By February I want to put hot coals in my bed.

K- Kids
Baby goats. What about them?

L- Life is incomplete without
Laughter. (Agreed!)

M- Marriage Date
I’m sorry, I don’t understand a word you are saying to me right now.

N- Number of Siblings?
2 older brothers. Amazing I survived.

O- Oranges or Apples
Oranges give me cankersores, apples give me a bellyache. Why you gotta hate on strawberries?

P- Phobias/Fears
Apiphobia- Fear of bees.
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body. (are you looking at my right side? Stop looking at my right side!)
Hypengyophobia - Fear of responsibility.

Q- Favorite Quote
“92 percent of women are walkin’ around UCLA goin’, class or sex? What shall I do? 92 PERCENT YO! You know what that means donchoo? It means I gots a 92 percent chance of embarrassin’ myself. I roll up on that shorty like, what’s up, she be like, now I know you don’t know 20 different ways to make me call you big papa, cuz I don’t, yo.”

R- Reasons to smile
Snarkiness. And rainbows.

S- Season
Autumn. There’s something beautiful about dying foliage. And I’m totally not being snarky.

T- Tag Three People
WonderTurtle of course, Saserella and Shoreline because one of these days I’ll get them to play along.

U- Unknown Fact About Me
I can be very zen. When no one is looking.

V - Vegetable You Hate
Brussle sprouts, aka barfle sprouts.

W- Worst Habit
Thinking I’m ha’larious and subjecting everyone to my raucous laughter.

X - Xrays You've Had
Lungs..I think. It was a long time ago. Seems I had post-infectious asthma, whatever the hell that is.

Y- Your Favorite Foods
Cookies already!

Z- Zodiac
The freedom loving centaur archer. Don’t tread on me or I’ll shoot your ass.